There are two people Ishaan and me fascinated towards these days and both these persons are serving as an
ideal object for our outrageous sarcasm and lame satirical jokes.
Although I doubt if either of
these persons should be termed as human let us for a moment assume them to be
some biological entities for the events to follow.
The first person might be someone
I had never been to proud mentioning. Now I know I cannot be the only one who
feels the same way about their ex-girlfriends but since our experimental
results requires female gametes to accomplish the necessary outcomes I’m going
to let myself be mocked by the whole world.
Part 1: Leethal by choice
So this person goes by some
beautiful name “Leethal”. Of course I never knew what the name means and I
never even intended to ask why. Even if I did I couldn’t remember. Which is I
am glad about. The less I remember the better I feel. It’s weird how it works
contrary to remembering your recent crush. Anyways Leethal is actually both an
intriguing and hit-me-with a rock sort of subject to study. I use to date her
in high school. Back then, even I was a handsome asshole with a brain size of a
peanut which explains the fact of me dating her. While I somehow evolved from
an asshole into a creepy technical geek, this girl still remains the same. It
just kill my nerves how some people are so contained into their humble cocoon
of ludicrous talks and always surrounded by some misplaced sense that they are
funny, they never actually grow up: logically, physically and sexually. My recent late night misadventures with her
let me to dwell into something very sensitive and hazardous situations. And all
though I tried my best to avoid such any unwanted sexual innuendoes which may
tell otherwise the force of compulsion was so strong that I had to let my 23
year old, sexually unsatisfied, virgin beast to take over the hot debate of the
night: masturbation. I could'nt help but notice why my ex-girlfriend was
developing such unusual interest into my private zone and into my bathroom
walls but she seems more than just willing to discuss it on phone. Anyways as a
self declared heathen god of rationality and broad minded species I explained
her explicitly and without an inch of shame how normal it is for the human
beings to release the throbbing and pent-up energy building inside their pants
and flushing it down into the crazy cosmos of municipalities drain where it
will fuse with more frustrated as well as horny energised atoms to create an
intriguing universe whose beauty can only be appreciated by scientific
intellectuals like me. I could never say that if she was about to orgasm with
all these as I was talking to her through texts but what followed later made my
belief rock solid that not only Leethal is an alien from the planet Ur-anus but
also she was incapable of experiencing orgasm. The texts in which she proudly admitted that
she had never- like-ever masturbated until now since she cracked her puberty
and never she did practised any wet fantasy about any guy left me in constant
state of bewilderment and sour trepidation. My jaw dropped from the ground into
the fourth quadrant as my eyes tried to adjust to the brightness of the screen
which still cannot believe what they just read. At first I thought to myself
and I even asked her if it’s her shyness which prevents her from revealing
about her washroom affairs but her continual denial from involving in any merry
times left me feeling a icy chill crawling up my spine like a girdled lizard. The
very thought of multiple tentacles brutally ramming my ass like they show in a
Hentai comics was so disturbing and horrifying that I went blank as it ran
across my mind the carnage I would be subjected to if I ever had sex with her.
I was lost in some kind of oblivion where I couldn’t sense anything but only a voice
echoing throughout my cranium which was screaming like a mad crow, “Never
Masturbated”. I couldn’t bring myself to
laugh and neither did I cry. All I said is “Good Night” and tuck myself into the
warmness of my blanket.
Part 2: A creep too dull to
understand
Dullcreep was our classmate in
high school. However I never got to know much about him as I left my previous
school early. So I thought Ishaan should write an extract about him. What followed
is a ghastly tale of horror that is so mental disturbing that it made Ishaan
crap his pants as he recounts that horrifying past.
P.S: The following events are based on real
events which occurred in real time and not a work of fiction. The readers are
advised to continue at their own discretion. Do not read if you have a heart condition
or any history in mental disorders. Thank you!!
It was the summer of 2008. The boards
were over. The result was out. And it was probably the last time ever I scored
scholar level grades. Goodtime it was. Boys were on the cusp of manhood. Gone was
the time of bicycles in our lives. Everyone wanted a vehicle to go anywhere especially
to school. And ours was a bit different. It had no bus service at all. The only mode of
school transport at hand was the auto-rickshaws. And for the most privileged ones,
there were matadors. Still, it seemed shameful to travel by any of these. A personal
vehicle was must, even if it was someone else and you were the pillion. Neither
did it matter whether it was an Activa or a bloody 2-stroke Scooty.
And as my fate would have it I got
to be the pillion on our subjects Activa. And it wasn’t intentional. I was
helpless. For two reasons, one is that where I lived not many chose the same
school as I did and second he was not only in my school but also he was my
classmate. He was the most pathetic and disgusting dumbass the world might have
seen. And ever will. To start with, he seemed to have no concept of body
hygiene. The word “hygiene” was something he thought existed on Pluto. Second,
he had no sense of any sense known to human. I mean people hype things or make
them up to be ironic or sarcastic or anything but direct. He made things
because he thought he actually lived them, things that even a dumb deaf and a
blind person can comprehend with confidence would never happen in the real
world with any being like Dullcreep. He was fucking dumb. The only way he knew
to raise his voice..rather produce one was either to fart or to burp. His nose
was so accustomed to the smell of shit I guess, that he thought roses were
toxic. He was the very despicable imbecile that no one would want to come cross
in their life.
And there’s more. He was the
least favourite person in his own family. At least that’s what he said. He was
so humongous that his bed was made of granite. I suspect it was because his ass
was like the solar system for termites. He barely knew English. But no, he
thought he could beat Shakespear single handily in an elocution competition. And
I can be sure he would cause hearing the massacre he caused to the language
Shakespear would have preferred to die. Instantly!
Also, he thought he was intelligent. I mean
every time he opened his mouth along with his thoughts I felt like going home
to home in the whole colony I live in, collect each and every shoe and slipper I
could find and beat the shit out of his face. He always thought he could easily
make friends. And in his own mind he lived in a world where he thought that the
people were longing desperately to befriend him and the saddest thing is that
the line that separated his world from the real one was FUCKING BLURRED….!!!
He was impossibly repulsive. He was
so repulsive that if he were a metal even the strongest of magnets wouldn’t want
to stick to him. And he blindly refused everything that the world thought of
him. All of which was fucking right.
He was usual, thought contrary. He
thought of himself as the most charming guy. Not only that he went on to think
of himself as a Casanova. He had girlfriends (read as virtual) in every
country. He claimed to have dated every girl that would even in her last legs wouldn’t
go for a guy like him. Every other day he came to my house. I was the nearest
living victim and hence the most unluckiest one. And all those months he months
he came to my house every evening for at least an hour which is something that I
wouldn’t even want my enemies to go through. He was so insensitive at times
that when I was leaving my home to go somewhere, he would arrive suddenly. And he
would just stand there and talk as if I won an hour to talk with him in a
fucking lottery. And he stayed there as if I had no bloody business other
spoiling my evening with an hour of bullshit coming out of the bull himself. At
times when I had plans with my family, this ass prick would still stand there
talking as casually as if we were on a chitchat holiday in Hawaii. He was upper
limit of everything intolerable anyone can imagine. He really is the most
pathetic person that the world will ever see. I mean, he is impossible. People like
him bend the very fabric of human nature. People like him can turn any living
object to a dead just by spending time with it. And it dreads me like hell to
know for a fact that he will and definitely will reproduce it. It just scares
me to the depth of my ass that the world will keep seeing dumbfucks like him
and its infinitely depressing to know for a fact that someone somewhere will
keep suffering because of such toxic beings.
I mean he met us each time with
such a fucking pride as if we had been dying to be friends with him. We tried
everything we could to make him understand that he is being ignored. But that
wild boar didn’t seem to get anything. He stuck on to us as if he was made of
Fevicol. I tried everything even bluntly directly saying everything to his
face. WHO THE FUCK STILL DOESN’T GET THINGS?? How easy can things be?? The only
way left was for me to learn genetics, get a Ph.d and program his fucking DnA
to make his brain comprehend that he is an asshole.
Part 3: From Mechanical to
Genetic Engineers, a vision to make a better world
Around 6 P.M. in evening at University campus, one unemployed and
other to be unemployed mechanical engineers looks towards the vast horizon of
the infinite crimson blue skies of their miserable city. A malfunctioning
laptop in one hand and a Sutta in another they are thinking about the marvellous
stupidity of their respective subjects when all of a suddenly a bizarre and stupendous
idea hit one of them.
All this while we kept nagging about the stupidity and dim- witted
talks of Dullcreep and Leethal but never did we ponder on the idea of how we
can benefit from the very tools which existed for our damnation can be turned
into the weapons of our salvation. And so the idea of cross species genetics
emerged from the darkest corners of my brain and turned it into a lucrative
market for defence and home applications. The quest for our new venture had
began and we were about to step into a new domain about which we had little or
no knowledge. The risk was far greater than we could have ever imagined but
what we had was an idea, an idea to make this world a better place, to give
those people back what they deserve and to protect and serve our great nation. An
idea to cross- breed Dullcreep and Leethal and to create a super-hybrid specimen
that possess the dominant genes of both their parents and then to supply this
hybrid species on commercial basis to various areas where the applications of
our innovation can be utilized. Imagine you come home from a tiring and
frustrating day, whining, what a complete ass your boss is and then be welcomed
at your door by one of these fine creations of ours, smiling back at you like a
retarded turd. The weekly meeting was enough to make your day suck and then
seeing a fucking face like this to make your day go from bad to worse. You get so
annoyed that you begin to gnash your teeth, churning them into calcium powder
and fuming like a lava and without even having any specific reason you get hold
of the first thing you can find be it an umbrella, a baseball bat or your
shit-covered shoe and your start beating them until all your frustration and all
that you were upset about is cleansed and you feel lighter, relieved and
refreshed. Imagine having an army of such fucking dumb retards at your disposal
and what a terrible wrath will it inflict upon your enemy. Think about ending
a war without even firing a bullet. Your enemies will tremble by the very sight
of our dreadful creations.
Our product are fully customizable to cater to your every need. Recently we have also
succeeded into cross-breeding and introducing a third category gene, which is basically a super bitchy and homo genome
known as “AnantChutiya”. The possibilities are endless. The road to future lies
ahead. We gave you a vision and now we need you to support our dreams to be
turned into realities.
*with extracts from Ishaan*
*with extracts from Ishaan*
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