Emily

There was discontent among everyone when I asked them to visit Butterfly Beach. As per the plans we had the liberty to pick up a beach of our choice where we will be visiting for the next 5 days we spend in Goa. It did took some persuasion on my part to take everyone to this beach which I was hoping to find secluded only to end up realising it wasn’t really as empty as the guy back at the resort has told us. There was people around, foreigners as well, but it was much better then Anjuna and Calangut which was just swarming with newly -wed couples, screaming children, the jet ski rides, parasailing boats and all other activities that could destroy a perfect gateway. While Andrew wanted to go back at Calangut we visited yesterday to find some chicks to flirt with, Ishai had a neutral stand and Amy was too obsessed with her book so she never cared where we’d go. Anyways we were able to find ourselves a peaceful corner on the beach. We rested for a while, had a little talk about stuff and then went quite again looking towards the horizon as the sun rays danced over the clear waters. Something interrupted Andrews gaze, probably some small fishing boat over a distance and he stood up and told he is going to search for some beers. Ishai joined him and they both said they will be back within an hour. Amy hardly seems to care about anything and went back to her reading. I was the only one left with no essential work so I asked Amy I am going to take a walk over the cliff to get a better view of the beach and ocean.

10 minutes of walking through a rocky side of the hill and I was almost at the top. I thought to myself it would be a hell of a view from up here, I am sure. Only I ended up to a sight which wasn’t really a welcoming gesture to my eyes.

“I wouldn’t do it if I were you”, I yelled at her as I took a seat perched upon a rock just few steps away from the edge.

She did saw me. She seemed scared but said nothing and turned her back at me.

“If you survive that fall, I assure you they going to looking for you for murdering me.” I screamed again, this time trying to be bit sarcastic.

“And why the hell they going to look for me for murdering you? Are you here for a thrilling experience as well as I am”, she finally uttered.

“Not exactly as you think. But I can say I had my share of what you are going through and I must remind you it isn’t worth what you are thinking of doing. And as far as your doubt is concerned here is why the cops will come looking for you.

Obviously my foremost attempt will be to somehow convince you not to jump. I had to make sure whatever I am telling you and beware of not making at advances towards you to prevent you from jumping because in that case you will jump as soon as I start running towards you. However if still my attempts fail and you still jump off, I will jump off after you, being a good lad I am, in order to somehow save you. Now since it isn’t much height to hit yourself at the bottom, I am assuming you will hardly injure yourself and will be forced to swim back at the beach while I would just drowning dead given the fact I can’t swim. So who do you think they will be looking for when they start?”

“You are the weirdest guy I have ever heard talking” she shrieked at me.

“Indeed, you are correct. And this guy is asking you not to jump because if you jump from here the fall is hardly going to cause any injury, forget about dying. So I suggest if you are so eager walk or swim towards Stairway to Heaven I suggest you to try Grandmothers Hole Beach. It much more secluded and at an appropriate height as per your requirements”.

She stood there for some time. There was an odd silence for a moment. It appeared like she had realised that I was correct but she wasn’t really convinced with all that and she proceeds another step.

“Can I talk to you for a moment before you jump? I promise I will leave you on your own as soon as I am done. I just need to speak for a moment”.

“Why?? Why do you want to talk to me? I don’t want to talk to anyone. So just go away.” She screamed loudly, this time sobbing.

“Probably because I think I deserve to know the reason at least why you are doing so. Think about it, committing a suicide without giving the world any prior explanation or reason why you did that. Don’t you think it’s kind of rude”.

“The world has been rude to me. Why the fuck I would care?”

“Ok, I get it. But if you are thinking of dying without any reasons I believe you are the dumbest person I have ever seen committing a suicide. Hell even Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobain had a reason to suicide no matter how fucked up or conflicted it may be. But you jumping off this cliff for no compulsory motivation is just bonkers and that makes you dumb.”

“I’m not dumb or stupid. I am a graduate from Stephens. You are too stupid to assume me as dumb.”

“Doesn’t matter. You are still dumb.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

“Go to hell.” She exclaims finally, only this time I realise she will jump.

“What’s your name?  At least tell me the name.”

She stood motionless for some time. I could sense some annoyance and dissatisfaction from her stance and then she speaks up finally.

“Emily. Emily De Cruz.” She says.

“Ok, Emily Brewster. My name is Richie. Nice to meet you! Now why don’t you walk away from that cliff start walking towards me so that we can discuss whatever is bothering you. I am telling you again another step you make towards that edge and it isn’t worth. So I am requesting you to kindly step away.”

She did pay no heed to my request and was reluctant to step away.

5 years have passed since that little stunt Emily had performed. I haven’t visited Goa due to my frantic schedule. I left a piece of myself back there but brought back another that I will be cherishing for the eternity. Emily and I had grown older day by day in last 5 years. We don’t see each other at all. We never call or text each other. But we took to a rather very conventional and old- fashioned approach to stay in touch. We write letters. That was one odd condition she put forth when I asked for her contact. I receive letters from her randomly although I make sure I write her once every month. I tell her about my business trips, the pretty girl I went on date with, the alien looking food I tried, discussing my frustrations and anguish, my desires and my fears.

She would write back, which she did once in a blue moon and had a very peculiar way of writing letters. Emily never write about the usual and routine stuff but her writings although may sound eccentric they have their own way of telling me that she is doing fine. At times it did concern me why she writes letters in such an odd sense, which may read totally out of context and hardly made any sense. Once she wrote me a letter in which she described me how exquisite and big the moon would appear on a full moon night from the edge of the very cliff where we first met. She continued how greatly she desired to fly away into the vastness of the infinite skies of a thousand worlds over the silver oceans that glittered as if the stars are floating into the water. This is how she would often describe whatever caught her desire. She never did write about one particular nature and world but always mentioned multiple ideas of the land and realms that could exist. At first I thought she just meant it in a rhetorical way or she was trying to persuade me to form an abstract idea of her perceptions. At times I even thought if she doing any hallucinating drugs which became a concerning thought for me and which she denied in jest.

In the past few days, the thought of Emily’s family had been disturbing me a lot. I wanted to ask her about it but since she never mentioned it I never tried on my behalf to enquire. Maybe because somewhere deep inside I was afraid of losing the bound I shared with her and she knew it. When I was about to leave Goa she told me she will accept my friendship only if it was on her terms and there wasn’t any chance for negotiations. I was not allowed to look for her or enquire about her and not even to come looking for her no matter how compulsive and impatient my heart makes me feel. She had literally warned me that ever I came back looking for her she will know it and will never speak to me. So I never did. And though there was an air of certain mystery around the whole situation I never really tried to persuade the feeling of mistrust towards her.

What Emily and I had was more than any words of love and friendship can ever describe and no matter how strange and vague it may sound to everyone else I knew that it was real. We were not in a love relationship but we carried a bond which was no less than what a man and a woman are entitled to be in if they like each other. We shared with each other our deepest desires and our most haunting fears, our tainted secrets and cheesy jokes. We had built our own world with those letters in which we could wander off from the usual trails into the mystic woods and grasslands to the mountains and caves. There was everything I could have wished for. That image of her when I saw her last time is like forever itched in my memory and she continues to dwell in my mind even after years have passed.

The last time I saw her she wore a white floral dress with blue flowers printed on it. She always wore the white at least every time I met her for the remaining 3 days in Goa. I never tried to ask her the reason because she looked beautiful in it. Her splendid hair would look like as if they could summon the winds of the seas and as they fell upon her perfectly chiselled face as the wind blew. She would always wear a flower in her hair to compliment the ones on the dress she wore any particular day and a bracelet of white shells and gold. Emily loved listening to Nick Drake and told me how she felt bad about him never gaining spotlight as long as he was alive. She loved Neil Young, Eddie Vedder, Johnny Cash, Fleetwood Mac, The Smiths and David Bowie. She had never carried off that smile since I stopped her from running off that cliff and would always greet with a smile that was enough to wear off all the anxiety at the end of the day. There was something really very exceptional about her. It would never reflect but it existed like a fresh breath of spring at her face and like the tranquillity of a summer evening whenever she was around. The day I was about to leave I gifted her with a tiara made of crystal jade flower.  She was reluctant to accept it but I convinced her to wear it as a reminder of our uncanny yet beautiful relationship. For the last time I saw into her blue eyes which reminded me of the same ocean on whose shores I walked holding her hands to say my last goodbye. Something tells me she inherited those from her father and I told her that she feels like a beautiful mermaid to me, trapped in the realm of man. She laughed it off.

She would always write about stars and trees, the birds and their songs, the clouds and their shape in each of her letter. But from the last few days I had grown relentless of her writings. I was now expecting more from her. There was no doubt about it that I had nurtured a feeling for her which was more than mutual attraction. She was perfect in every sense to me and she was all that I wished her to be. I couldn’t just let go of how I felt about Emily despite of all she had asked me. Despite her final words which came as a warning, “if I ever tried to look for her, I will be gone and never will you hear of me”.

And despite of all she warned about, I decided to take another journey to search for her and for everything she never told only this time I decided to go without telling anyone where I was going. On the next day, when I reached Vasco I tried to sneak around the address where I used to send her the letters. I ended up making a fool out of myself when two women I met in the street told that the address I was looking for didn’t exists and neither have they heard of the person I was looking for. I wasn’t convinced enough and so I decided to do a check in the Public Record Office. By pulling a few strings I wasn’t granted access to the library where they kept the records of every known resident of Vasco. I spent the whole day browsing through thousands of files but couldn’t find any which would lead me to her. I left the place in disappointment. Finally, I had some suspicion building up in the back of my head. I questioned the possibility of someone’s disappearance with no known record of his/her existence and shrouding it with such a great level of anonymity that no one had ever heard of the person before. Something tells me there is stuff that doesn’t add up. Nothing made sense. The day was about to end and I thought to do another reccee around the block where I was searching before. I kept on walking from door to door, searching every street and corner, sweating and panting when I finally ended up exhausted in front of a small yellow house. It was dark and there was no one in the street only a street light which was flickering occasionally. There was no nameplate on the gate which could tell me otherwise still I decided to see if there is anything I could find. I entered the courtyard, knocked a few times on the door knob but no one answered. I tried to peep through a window to check if someone was in but there was no one but only a beautiful decorated living room that was lit by a chandelier in the middle. I had an eerie feeling about all this but the relentless urge of find the answer to my quest was compelling me to look for more. Finally I gathered my guts and tried to force myself in through the window which was unlocked.

The house appeared to be grand and splendid from the inside. I never thought a place which appeared to be so old from the outside could be so well maintained and impressively done. The walls appeared to be newly painted. They were blue and yellow. There was a couch in the middle of the living room. A small television was kept in front of it like the one I had at my home some 20 years ago. The floor of the living room was lined with carpets which looked like hand crafted in some foreign lands. They carried some kind of inscriptions on them in a language I couldn’t decipher and the embroidery of fishes and corals on it. I tried to explore more and moved from the living place to the bedroom. Everything in there was neatly done, the drapes where tied on the windows and the sheets appeared like they had never been used. Adjacent to the bed I noticed a small table which had a drawer. Without any more compulsion I opened it to find an object that left me struck and staring into the darkness of that drawer where this petite object was glittering like a lone star in the darkest sky. I picked up the jade tiara and somehow it felt like I have been thrown back into the past when I first met Emily. I couldn’t just let go of this anxiety. I searched for some more clues but there was none except a pink crystal jade tiara, similar to the one I only gave to Emily. I started to lose my mind as nothing appeared to make sense. I couldn’t keep a record of time and it felt like I have ended into a void where the concept of time and space were non-existent.  I walked back into the living room and landed on the couch, tired and confused over the whole situation, Emily’s tiara in my hand. My eyes went heavy and I ended up lying on the couch itself. I could feel the breeze of the ocean streaming against my face which felt like a kiss from a lover and the winds carrying the scent of the ocean with it. The waves blared across the shores but it sounded like a contentment I derived when I listened to Emily’s voice. And slowly everything went still and quiet.

I could feel the winds hitting across my face tenderly. The sunrays appeared to be dancing as my eyes tried to adjust to the light of late afternoon. I tried to gather my senses and see if there was anyone around. I tried to draw some conclusion from the fragments of last night episode. The house was gone. There was not a hint left that could even tell if it was there. There was a beach down a broken track from where I just woke up. The cliff reminded me of something or someone from the past. Like if I had been here before. And then it all began to make sense. But it still doesn’t add up.  The house was real. Everything I saw it was real. She was real. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe I had been dreaming all this time. I heard someone shouting for me from the beach. It was Amy. But was she really there? How could she end up here?  Or is it really I had been through some weird and vivid dream? Yes, I had just overslept and had been dreaming. I let a sigh of relief. But the tiara in my hand tells me otherwise.