Post Break-up syndrome and advantages of being single

I was quietly relaxing that morning, the coffee on my table, watching children play on street, laid back in my chair and listening to Norah Jones , appreciating the beauty of nature and I said to myself warmly, “what a beautiful evening. Life is simply wonderful” . I was at mental peace with myself disconnected from the outside world when all of a sudden a perturbing ringtone on my phone gave a loud buzz and all my fantasy came down crashing right into the coffee on my table. It was Huned calling. AGAIN. “Bhencho, you must give me a valid reason to disturb me this hour of day”, I said to myself.

I picked up the phone. It had been a 5 minutes talk. I finished my coffee, changed into my shorts and rushed towards his home. And as soon as I reached, it was just his neck and my sweaty hands on it.

It would be like 5^th time since I reconnected with him after high school he went into a neuro -attack since his break-up with Munira that would be sending him into rotten- brain-haemorrhage for any day of the month. Usually Saturday’s and Sundays.  I was, literally tired of all the bullshit he kept on repeating about her as I was listening to all that for the last 3 months. Only this time, I couldn’t keep my nerves controlled from hitting him hard and only then I’d say he somewhat regained his senses.

Back to reality. Huned wasn’t the only suffering from bitchy ex-screws-you-over syndrome. I could prepare a syllabus out of all the people I knew who were actually suffering and diagnosed from this hazardous disease. So much for just one person. Why the hell on this damn earth did you ass-clowns get into a relationship, first-hand when you were aware of all this will take place.

 That night, back at home, I spent the night preparing a list of all moral as well as monetary and mental benefits ,an individual enjoy being single.

Advantages of being single:

1.You can eat whatever you want. Wherever you want. Whatever way you want to. There isn’t always someone on your ass, adjusting and planning your diet plans. Anyone judging  your eating habits. Or questioning why do you eat your pasta while lying naked on your couch or why did you take the pizza box on the toilet seat.

The perks, well, you can now eat the entire packet of chips by yourself. There isn’t any morbid thought surrounding you to share it every time you are with your “Honey-pie”  canoodling with him/her as the vicious eyes of all the uncles and aunties in the community garden is set on you.

Blessing for Indori folks and Delhites, I’d say.

2. You can wear anything you want and wherever you want. Unless you are of the likes of “The one who should not be named Poop-star” or next Lady Gaga or if you like dressing up like the midget-whore of Jersey Shore. You can wear your superhero t-shirt to the party, roam around city in your Sponge-bob underpants or go even naked, driving if you want, no one would be there to judge you.

P.S. The naked driving thought is imaginary and mentioned just to add some extra Masala. In no way, the writer suggests you to attempt the above-mentioned stunts. Beware of Fashion-police though. 

 Even there is common misconception among the ladies who expects their men to dress up like Ryan Goslings or David Beckham or even Christian Bale in a Bat-suit(well that went too far).

Men on the other hand, are no less when it comes to decide what there girl should be wearing while going out. I find it strange and totally idiotic how some of my friends actually behave, complaining about their girlfriend’s dress often. If she wears something more seducing, they find it provocative and revealing. If she turns out wearing a dress, with a veil as a complimentary gift, they find it conservative. Damn, bloody chauvinist. Make up your mind for god sake, dude.

3. Here comes the best part. You are free to listen whatever you feel like doing on your computer. There isn’t anyone to judge your music taste. You can listen to anything you want and at whatever volume you like. Unless you are listening to some lunatic and ass-holic Poop-star and if you know whom I am referring to, where in that case, I would be more than delighted to strangle you to death and shoot you with my Plasma blaster canon and then hanging you over the London bridge to send out a message.

There wouldn’t be anyone monitoring your Facebook accounts, Whatsapp and BBM chats and e-mails unless they are already working for NSA or CIA or PIPA or SOPA or any other ridiculously and hilariously put acronym.

Heck even my mom doesn’t monitors my activities so much as much a GF/BF do.

24 hours of un-interrupted  streaming of porn. Hail, if you have the capacity to withstand it. Hail the Metal-gods. Tune up the amps. Plug-in your guitars. Let there be chaos. \m/

4. You are no longer bound to schedules and timelines. You are the master of your own will and there will be no pesky BF/GF acting as a douche whose daily texts and phone calls every morning and every night is the stark reminder of the bloody alarm clock you broke last summer without a second delay.

I often, feel sorry for those friends of mine who spends their  precious hours of life, which could have been spend sleeping but bidding good-morning and good-night, countless times a minute, each in different languages, then with a different accents and then finally  whip-creamed with some weird alien lingo which is certainly beyond human knowledge. 

Yeah at least, such outlandish behaviour encourages them to learn some foreign language to impress their partner but proves to be totally futile and sense-less when it comes to abusing them while breaking-up. Desi gaali always beloved and effective, Bh******.

5. Ah, gone are the days of Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel, Jet Li or Steve Austin. You should have thought about the sacrifices to be made on the Saturday nights before getting yourself into a dreaded relationship. The only entertainment that remains in your life is those asthmatic and anemic vampires and “Beyond Human Perception” love stories.  Ass holes, if you are one of them, you deserve it. Now don’t cry your ass out.

Cheers to those lucky-ones who saved themselves from any such atrocious  wraths. You can watch your favourite superhero movies without a break, shag between American Pie and Van Wilder and are free to roam naked in your house, in case you live alone, of course. Plus, you save yourself the pain and frustration of explaining the genesis and anthology of Tarantino’s or Martin Scorsese's movie to your movie-illiterate partner.

6. Your room can always remain messy. It would never be properly managed and things would always be lying around. That easily helps you to locate the things when you need them in time. Life becomes handy and easy-going when you are single.

7. You never go bankrupt at every weekend. Your pocket is always heavy enough to make you feel next to Bill Gates,  Mukesh Ambani or next Warren Buffet. You can visit your favourite Pub, buy your favourite Video game and save enough to get that sarcastic tattoo you wanted to get inked on your butt. In addition to that think of all that money you will be saving in your 5-6 years of relationship without those Happy Birthdays presents and out of nowhere Valentine’s Day, Teddy Bear Day, Rose Day, first anniversary, first date anniversary, sex anniversary, blowjob anniversary and first fucking –in-the-car anniversary. Enough to buy yourself a new I-phone or save money for an Alienware.

8. You don’t need to take care of basic human hygienic nature. You won’t be giving a fuck about it. You can go without brushing your teeth for a week, wear the same pair of jeans for a month and use the same underwear for 3 days straight. Save yourself the pain of washing and changing it every day. A decent increment in your monthly budget again and a tight blow to those shitty washing powder ads.

9. You can visit your favourite Art gallery, theatre, the concert of your favourite band, the New -year Eve pool party without asking for anyone’s consent. Feel free to visit your favourite Punjabi Dhaba and go merrily singing, dancing, abusing the lorry drivers and pissing in the middle of national highway.

Writer’s discrete concern: Bring Your Own Bottle.

10. In addition to all these think of all the money you will end up saving that would be spend on buying condoms, chocolates, Vaseline…maybe even vegetables, getting top-ups and recharges, getting your girlfriend top-ups and recharges, getting her best friend’s recharge, getting her dog’s recharge, getting her best friend’s dog’s recharge. Now if you are not stupid enough or if you did not get fail in Maths in the elementary school I don’t think I need to tell you to sum up all that extra- curricular expenses and figure it out for you.

Of course, life isn’t grand if some fucked-up-pussy-licking-mongrel and your once-upon-a-time- friend ends up being in a friend-zone or girlfriend-zone. But then, when I think about it you really don’t need such retards in your lives as they would be doing nothing but making their own existence futile and your’ life a living hell with their broken heart and sobby love stories and minute facts of their partner favourite colour, favourite food, favourite bra, favourite boxers, favourite condom and all shitty stuff. 

  I am not against any sort of relationship. Neither I’m a harbinger of any moral policing underground society. But my point is you really don’t need to sacrifice your own freedom and integrity for the sake of person who can’t love you the way you are. Why to end up with someone who despite of his or her own flaws tries to make every morsel of your damn life changing you. Be with someone who enjoys the life. One who doesn’t create heck out of it. 20-25 isn’t an age to end up becoming a total jerk, depriving yourself of every sexual and earthly pleasures. Be single, enjoy your freedom. Chances are you might end up meeting some friends-with-benefits. Who knows? Damn!