.....and it's weird how i can survive the day fighting with you, but not a moment when you decide to be silent.

Out of nowhere

I strongly believe you need to build an impulsive hatred or ultimate passion towards anything or anyone to write a prolific and profound piece of literature. For it is only in those times, the true emotions can be reflected in your writings. You literally need to bleed your heart out in your writing and not suffer the pain by concealing them inside and letting it devour you and cause you aggravation.

Everything that matters: Life in a collage

Fragments of a dismal imagination: a night with the damned mouse

It was about to end tonight. For the last 3 days, I had been struggling to catch the bastard that had eaten into paper works and bills, the little nuisance which had grown over my nerves in past 3 days and reflected no intention to surrender and run away from my home. But after a long struggle for 2 hours tonight I am tired as a worn out shoe and my enemy is finally into the trap I laid for him. He had nowhere to run now and it was clear he was all but near his end. The mouse was caught and now I had a terrible feeling of retribution and despise constructing in my heart with utter malevolence and spitefulness against this puny creature which had caused me hours of mental and physical strain.

The mouse was trapped inside the cage. There was no way it could free itself from that vicious rat-trap. When I bought the trap, the salesman clearly specified that it is fool-proof. There was a strong resentment growing against this mouse and I had every intention to put his puny life to a tragic end. But there was something strange in his struggle to free himself from that trap. It was midnight. I was way too tired but something that had kept me fascinated throughout the night. I lost the track of time as I was keen on observing and kept staring at this little creature that was caught in this trap but it showed no intent to give up. It kept on trying and trying valiantly, putting those tiny and fragile arms through every crack and corner. It grew restless and impatient, I could sense it but I believe it was this feeling that kept it struggling to break away from the trap I had laid for him so strategically. I could also sense a growing connection between the two of us as if my mind was connected to his by some telepathic means which made me aware of every emotion this mouse was struggling with. Of course, I could have ended his life in just one stroke of a mop but there was a strange feeling which restricted me from doing so. An eccentric air of conflict and moral obligation had filled my room by now. But I figured that it was these mixed emotions and conflicts between these two different attributes which had kept me from killing this creature till now. This was a conflict between two contradicting myself, one which was scornful and full of vengeance and would seldom get reflected at the shell, out of shear desperation and compulsion, there was another character residing which was very scientific, rational and philosophical in its approach. There was a face which immediately wanted to put an end to the futile struggle of this mouse calling it justice for the loss I had suffered, the other face was more compassionate in its approach and was growing fascinated by observing the struggle of the mouse. I would dub the former as an evil one for there would be time when I had lost my control over it and was it was a side I had always been afraid to bring forth, the latter was something I perceived to believe in and the side that I was more comfortable with. I was my own version of Dr. Jekyll and Hyde. But of everything I had learned from, I knew it wasn’t in my authority to decide what is right or wrong and to deliver a judgement which I could deem as just and fair. I was an admirer of Batman and I no matter how much I felt the compulsion of killing this mouse I knew I couldn’t let Harvey Dent inside me to take over. And all this while my own thoughts battled across my skull, the fate of this was mouse hanging between the two ridges by a single, worn out thread. My eyes grew heavy with every passing moment. The Glenlivet I had poured into my glass was finally hitting me and I could feel my head going all dizzy now. But I still persisted to stay awake and hoped to get through the night doing nothing but watching this rat and deciding on his fate.

“Little mouse, such a tiny creature you are in the eye of man and yet an exquisite creation of god who acknowledge all of us equal. You and I are evolved through the same link over the course of time which in some way makes us part of the same universal family and yet here you lay now trapped and still not withstanding to surrender to your fate. Little mouse, I could release you from this struggle in two ways, either I could kill you in a single hit and save you from pain and saving you from the desperate struggle to free or I could just let you go, placing my hope in some misplaced belief that you will never bother me again.. One that grant you a collective freedom from every suffering of this cruel world or the one which lets you escape in the same world I fear you will end up in and commit all that again I caught you for. Either way you will be tasting freedom. But I don’t know what it should be. Be it freedom of your body or your soul?”

I would have been heavily drunk for I was trying to have a conversation with a mouse and even though by some psychic means he would understand what I was speaking it was evident from his struggle that he wouldn’t reply back to me. He was too concerned with his escape and he knew I was just blabbering. I thought I could get through the night talking to the little mouse but I couldn’t and then with a slow and intense sip I hit my pillow and the next moment I knew I am out like a light. I could still hear the some sort of sound like something scratching against the metal and tiny squeaks but I decide to ignore it as something of trivial importance.

At about 2 in the morning I get up from my sleep and suddenly rush towards the windows which I had closed to keep the blood-suckers out. I open them wide and let the gust of fresh air in as it flows across my head. I gasp heavily and find an immediate relief as I breathe into the spring air of that starry night. Of all things I had feared, this was the most haunting experience I had ever witnessed and even the thought of dying in my sleep would send chills down my spine and was enough for me to wet my bed. In some way it wasn’t exactly claustrophobia but I regarded it as some kind of illness that I might be suffering from. It wasn’t exactly physical in its sense but more of a psychological disorder which I believe made it more troublesome in my case. By then my concentration shifts towards the small metal trap I slept observing and now my mind shifts towards a more revealing insight. I see the mouse trapped in it was no more struggling but was laying still as if it had finally surrendered to its fate. It appeared like it had finally decided to give up on every effort it could put forth against this trap and had made peace with his destiny. He could have sensed the end he approaching. I wiggle the trap just to figure out if the mouse was still alive. I could see it breathing but it hardly moved. I felt guilty. I knew that the life of this creature was nothing I should be concerned about but now my conscience had began to question me over my acts and my virtues. I couldn’t stand the sight of this creature’s life-less body caught in a death-trap that had been planted by my own hands and proclaim myself as an executioner in the name of justice and some mistaken belief that is to be considered as righteousness. And without anymore thought to ponder over the issue I pick up the cage and walks towards outside on the street. I open the small trap door and shrug the mouse out of it. The mouse which looked bewildered remain still for quite some time staring at me in utter astonishment and humiliating way and I could do nothing but stare back at him with more humiliation in my own eyes. Somehow in that one moment we had developed a mutual understanding which tells me I put forth a right decision.

“Run along my little friend. You are free to go. Farewell and Godspeed”, I said to him.

It turns around and runs away disappearing into the darkness at the corner of the street. I put the trap into the garbage can and go back to sleep. Somehow my heart is feeling as if relieved of some heavy ache.